Dad Life: Potty Training Edition
Life lately can be best described as routine chaos. We’ve settled into somewhat of a groove with taking care of the kids, work, workout schedules, and everything else going on in life. We manage to fit it all into the 24 hours we have each day, the seven days each week, and can replicate those weeks with some consistency. It’s not perfect – but that's life. With two kids under three, another two dogs that we treat like children, I’m grateful that I can still find the time to work out, cook a little on weekends, and sit down and write this newsletter on occasion.
But that routine is built on a foundation of chaos that is life with two toddlers. My daily routine involves 2-3 hours every morning getting the kids ready for the day and another 2-3 hours every night for dinner, bathtime, and bedtime. Weekends are basically full-time dad mode. That’s the routine. How those hours play out is the chaos. Every day you get dealt a new hand to see which toddler decides to show up. Some days you get two perfectly well-behaved kids and others, you get two kids who woke up choosing violence. But most days it’s somewhere in between. You learn to stay flexible and not hold on too hard to anything.
Julian, especially, is at the age where he is all emotion, zero rationality. He does what he wants when he wants. It is his world, and we are supporting actors there to facilitate. Serena is also growing up, developing a personality, and becoming pickier about what she likes and doesn’t. She’s learning to manipulate the world to get what she wants and sometimes that can overlap with her brother. That leads to a lot of pulling, pushing, and crying. The first of much sibling infighting that will be commonplace in our future. As parents, we’re constantly on watch to make sure things don't escalate. But sometimes we just look with eyes glazed over, too tired to do anything and tell ourselves “Fuck it. Let them fight. It'll be good for them.”
As busy every day seems to be, there’s also the increasing recognition that you can only do so much. Your job as parents is to create the right environment for your kids to thrive but ultimately, everything else is up to the kids. You put food on the table, but you can’t make them eat. You get them ready for bed, but you can’t make them sleep. You give them screen time, but you can't make them sit quietly at the restaurant. Even at this age, they are their own persons, and you cannot force your will on them. Usually, the harder you push, the further away you get from what you actually want.
So, we do what we can - show up every day, stay patient and flexible, and take the good days with the bad. This season of life is a beautiful mess, but we wouldn’t have it any other way. Although a few uninterrupted nights of sleep wouldn’t hurt...
Potty Training Life Lessons
A few weeks ago, Tiffany and I reached a significant milestone as parents. We started potty training Julian.
It has been an experience.
The first days without diapers feels DANGEROUS. You are living life on the edge, using your iPhone without a case, riding a bike for the first time without training wheels – one little misstep and things can go very wrong.
But when things go right... there’s nothing like it. Few things have given me a greater rush lately than when Julian successfully pees in his little potty without turning the bathroom into a complete warzone. When he successfully drops a #2... it’s party time. Seeing that little turd in the potty has been the highlight of many days recently. It’s a sign that we are moving forward into a world without diapers, pee, and poop in some not-too-distant future. It’s also a sign that I need to get out more...
Overall, we’ve been lucky as Julian has taken to it positively. He’s enjoyed learning this new process of taking off his pants, peeing, wiping, and flushing. We give him a high five, some positive reinforcement, and he runs back with a big smile on his face doing whatever he was doing – playing with toys, reading a book, or terrorizing his little sister (who is not so little anymore!)
Here are a few [adult] life lessons I’ve learned through the potty-training experience so far:
Growth always comes with momentary discomfort but it’s usually worth it. It's easy to question yourself during the first few days of potty training. After the third or fourth accident, going back to the safety of diaper starts to feel pretty appealing. If you do, you’ll be dealing with diapers forever. That goes for any area of life you want to improve. You’re never going to get comfortable speaking publicly unless you put yourself through the discomfort of public speaking. Discomfort is the price of growth. Ride it out and thank yourself later.
Progress isn’t linear. After the initial transition period, we quickly settled into a new routine and things started looking bright. There would be days without a single accident, and you start to think this whole potty-training thing is going to be a cinch. But those would then be followed by days where Julian runs through every single pair of back-up underwear at school. Growth is never a straight line. Remember to step back and assess the overall trend instead of the day-to-day ups and downs.
Let go of the need to make things happen and trust that it will happen. There is an old Chinese proverb “Teachers open the door, but you must enter by yourself” A parent’s job is really to guide and demonstrate, not push or coerce. You can show your kids how to use the toilet, but you cannot force them to pee when you need them to... no matter how much you need them to. Sometimes the best thing for you to do is to get out of the way.
Potty training, as it turns out is like learning any new skill. It takes work, patience, and a little bit a faith. Just don’t look back and always remember to pack a bunch of extra underwear.